It was 2018.  I was exhausted, irritable, and grumpy a lot of the time (even if I hid it from the kids, I took it out on my husband).  I felt burned out with three little kids at home, no family near by, and a husband busy with grad school.  

Everywhere I looked I was told the answer was self care, but even when my husband took the kids on a Saturday morning for some alone time, I returned just as overwhelmed and frustrated as I was before.  

I really want to enjoy the years with my kids at home because everyone kept telling me, "It goes fast," and I felt guilty that I didn't like it more when being a mom was what I wanted for a long time.  

I kept thinking that maybe I needed a big trip away when my friend came home from a cruise with her husband. She told me she was surprised that she wasn't excited to jump back into life with her kids like she hoped she would be. 

And that's when I realized I needed to figure out what type of self care would actually help me feel better.

I was complaining to my friend about how hard life was and all that wasn't going well. She said that was all in my circle of concern (things I couldn't control), and asked me what was in my circle of influence (things I could control)?

At the time I could only think of two things: I could smile (which felt unfamiliar) and I could eat (hard with pregnancy).  She told me I would think of more things over time.

Compare That To Today...

I homeschool my four kids, so we are together all day long - and some stay up later than I do reading!  We live even further away from family and my husband is now a busy professor.  My days are fuller than I could have imagined 6 years ago (and I wouldn't have been able to handle it if I knew), but I'm telling my kids all day long, "This is my favorite part of the day!"  

I find fulfillment in doing the household tasks. Instead of sending the kids away to play and leave me alone, I enjoy including them in the work, listening to them, and teaching them how to do these life skills (and have patience for the messes and slow downs that come with a preschool or toddler in the mix).

When I start to feel like I'm on edge, grumpy, and irritable, I take that as a warning light that I'm getting a little too excited about getting things done and have dropped a few of the self care basics that make a big difference.    

It only takes one day of prioritizing my self care again (which can take just a few minutes) to notice a change in how I'm showing up to my family, and a few days later I'm back to feeling more patient, energized, and even tempered - you know, like an adult instead of a toddler about ready to launch into a temper tantrum!

What Type of Self Care Works?

I started on a quest to find tiny habits that would give me energy, think more positively, reduce my stress, and feel more connected with God after the conversation with my friend all those years ago.  Things that I wouldn't take a lot of time or even have to be done alone - because those circumstances were staying put.

I read A LOT of books (a small sampling: High Performance Habits; Atomic Habits; Tiny Habits; Designing Your Life; The Happiness Advantage; The Happiness Project; Help, I'm Drowning; Own Your Life) and there were clear practices that made a difference.

You might have heard of them before.  Things like: exercising, scripture study, prayer, drinking water, practicing gratitude, tidying your space, getting together with friends, reading, and sleep.  

I would go through spurts of getting really excited about doing all the things,  make a list, and then try to track my progress of doing them every day.

It went GREAT - for a day.  

But by day 3 I stopped tracking and by day 7 I had pretty much forgot my list.

The advice I often read about struggling with consistency was to replace your time watching Netflix with the habits you are implementing.  But that same advice doesn't work when you are nursing a baby or making three meals a day or potty training or helping with schoolwork.

I simply did not have enough time and energy to do all those things and the things that I needed to do to keep things running, and with pregnancy and then new baby, I couldn't manage to wake up before the kids consistently. 

Go Slow, Make it Stick

Two years ago I decided to do something wild and crazy for an over achieving girl who likes to do things all-the-way right (perfectionist?):

Pick one tiny self care habit and focus on it for a month.

I began implementing these habits, slowly, imperfectly, but strategically.  In a way that worked for me as a mom with a full life.

Over time, I was amazed at how little time and effort was required to make a big difference in how I felt.

I just needed to make sure I was focusing on the right things.